


Without You

by taeminyourmind



Category: K-pop, Lee Taemin - Fandom, SHINee, Taemin - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:08:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27314572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeminyourmind/pseuds/taeminyourmind
Summary: Months after breaking up, you and Taemin find yourselves in a vicious cycle of unhealthy habits to cope with the pain. When Taemin’s group mates convince you to talk to him, you and he talk about the cause of the breakup and receive closure after months of pain.
Relationships: Lee Taemin/Reader
Kudos: 7





	Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Unhealthy habits include alcohol and sex. This story contains mature themes. Reader discretion is advised. This story is PURELY FICTION and DO NOT represent any of the characters in any way, shape or form.

Taemin’s right hand delicately places a lit cigarette between his lips while the other deathly grips the neck of his alcohol bottle. He inhales deeply while reaching forward to pick up a crumpled piece of paper from the table in front of him. His trembling fingers remove the cigarette that he’s smoked to almost its entirety and put it out in an ashtray.

As the smoke clears from his vision he feels a pierce in his heart as his eyes skim the handwritten contents of the letter. He’s stuck in a deadly cycle of reading the letter and drinking his pain away, reading the letter, and drinking the pain away, he can’t find the strength within himself to stop. 

He torments himself with curses for being the reason the one he loves has been in pain. The complexity of being unapologetic and apologetic clashes in his mind, causing him to take an aggressive swig of alcohol and allow his throat to burn as punishment. Maybe if he listened to you and you didn’t give up on him, you would be together instead of miles apart, comforting yourselves with harm to lessen the pain of this breakup.

Where alcohol is Taemin’s friend during this time, sex is yours. To be held and paid attention to, even if it’s by a stranger, eases your pain. When that pain returns, you return to the bar or club, giving flirtatious hints to the men that buy you drinks, and whoever is first to leave with you earns the prize. Your flesh sticks against theirs, your hands explore the curves of each other’s bodies, and your moans mix together to create a foreign feeling of dissatisfaction. You try to imagine Taemin is there, touching you, wanting you, and needing you, but they’re not him. It’s a vicious cycle you can’t stop, you’re looking for Taemin in everyone but him.

Taemin finds the strength to walk into the hallway, holding onto the wall for support until his legs become weak and he slides down the wall. His body begins to feel numb, succumbing to the pain that’s been suffocating him the past months.

“Shit,” he whispers, barely audible to himself. Bringing the bottle to his lips, he takes another swig and twists his face at the burn.

But the burn doesn’t stop him when your face appears in his mind, making him chug the rest of the bottle. To him, he’s drowning the memory of you, but amidst everything, he wants you more. He needs you, wants you, hates you, but loves you more. These complicated feelings punched him in the gut until he crawled to the bathroom and vomited in the toilet.

His hands grip each side of the toilet as he violently coughs and heaves. A distressed cry for help escapes him, shaking his core until he wears himself out. Shakily, he flushes the toilet and splashes cold water on his face. He steadies himself and walks towards the living room when something catches his eye. He blinks slowly until his vision comes together and he recognizes the framed picture of you smiling back at him. In his mind, your picture is taunting him to destroy himself more.

Without thinking, he reaches out until his fingers firmly grip the wooden frame and send it crashing to the floor. The sound of shattering glass is followed by a muffled yelp throughout the hallway. A sharp pain throbs on the sole of his foot causes him to stumble backward until his back hits the wall. Small traces of blood follow behind him as he limps to the bathroom.

“Still hurting me even when you’re not here,” he thinks to himself while sitting on the side of the tub.

He struggles to steady his trembling hand as he uses the tweezers to remove the piece of glass. The sting from rubbing alcohol makes him bite his lower lip and whimper in pain. Tired with numbness and pain, he slowly eases his way into the tub and tosses until he drifts to sleep.

* * *

The club’s bass travels through the room until it beats in your chest. Above, the disco lights give personality to the room of dancers in flashy outfits. But you didn’t come to dance the night away or shake the stress from the week away, you’re here to rid yourself of the pain lurking in the back of your mind. Your eyes stay focused on the bottle of beer in front of you until a brightly colored drink appears in front of you. 

You follow the hand that placed the drink in front of you and find a young man smiling down at you. Dressed in a Gucci silk dress shirt that’s half unbuttoned to reveal the contours of his chest, the young man sits beside and holds his drink up as if to toast.

“It’s a cosmopolitan,” he says. Unable to hear over the blasting music, you twist your face in confusion. He leans in closer until he’s inches from your face, the scent of wintermint on his breath. “It’s a cosmopolitan!”

“Ah,” you nod while holding the glass and clinking it against his. “Thank you.”

“I’m Jongin,” he says while sticking out his hand.

Staring at his hand, you can’t help but smile at his kind gesture as you shake his hand. “___.”

“Nice to meet you, ___. What are you doing here all alone?”

Taking a sip from the glass, you look at Jongin out the side of your eye and watch his eyes look over you in curiosity. An image of Taemin appears before you, causing you to take another gulp in hopes Jongin will forget the question.

“Breakup?” He asks while playing with the condensation of his glass. When you look over at him to ask if he knew, he shrugs. “That’s how I looked when I broke up with my girlfriend.”

“I guess we’re both in need of company.”

Everything that happens next comes as a blur as you allow yourself to ride your vicious cycle again. With each stroke Jongin presses into you, you close your eyes and imagine Taemin on top of you - his tender kisses, the softness of his touch, his sensual moans and groans, right now, Jongin was Taemin. No matter how you hold onto Jongin’s body while he pounds onto you, you can’t seem to hold onto him right, your fingers accustomed to the memory of Taemin’s body. No matter how pleasant Jongin’s kisses are, the taste of Taemin’s lips stays on your tongue. No matter how much you wanted to enjoy this session with Jongin, you couldn’t allow yourself to forget Taemin. With your pleas to go faster, Jongin complies until you both reach your end and you find yourself drifting to sleep in the arms of yet another stranger.

* * *

Sunlight seeps its ways through the gaps of the blinds with some of the rays resting on Taemin’s face. The light hitting his face stirs him awake. Too weak to move, he stares at the ceiling with the thought of your letter swirling in his mind once again. From the moment he wakes up to the moment he falls asleep, you were on his mind. He hates that he can’t shake you, like a tape stuck to a finger, but at the same time he doesn’t mind. At the end of the day, your face keeps him wanting to wake up every day.

Taemin grips the side of the tub and slowly eases himself out and steadies himself. The sound of the doorbell sounds in the middle of him brushing his teeth. An annoyed grunt rumbles from his core as he walks towards the front door with his toothbrush hanging out the side of his mouth.

“What is it?” He asks annoyed before snatching the door open. His eyes grow wide when he sees you standing on the other side. “___?”

“Hi Taemin,” you softly smile. “Can I come in?”

Immediately stepping to the side, Taemin opens the door wider, allowing you access inside. Stepping over the threshold, a flood of memories flash before your eyes as you walk inside and look around. You can’t help but smile at the apartment’s familiarity until you see the empty bottles of alcohol and a broken framed picture of you still lying in the hallway.

“Why are you here, ___? Wasn’t your love letter enough?” Taemin sarcastically asks while standing beside you. “Or did they ask you to come?”

“They’re worried about you,” you say while walking to the dining table and looking at the numerous empty alcohol bottles on the table. “And so am I.”

Taemin scoffs and snatches a bottle from your hand, causing you to jump back. “Now you’re worried about me?”

“You’re not the only one having a hard time,” you mumble while looking at the destroyed picture of you on the floor. You look at Taemin’s back with tears welling in your eyes. “They say you haven’t been showing up to practice.”

“Kind of hard when you can barely hold yourself together.”

Taemin pops open a bottle of beer and takes a swig. Sadness plagues your heart while you watch the way he hungrily drinks the liquor, his Adam’s apples bobbing with each gulp. Sighing in frustration, you glide towards the boy and take the bottle from his hand, some of the beer spilling from his lips and onto his shirt. He glances up at you with eyes of anger and sorrow before using his hand to wipe his shirt.

“You barely drank when we were -” You trail off when the sadness of Taemin’s eyes meet yours. Whatever you were going to say faded from your mind. Instead, you reach behind Taemin and pour the rest of the bottle into the sink. “I think you have a problem Tae.”

“Don’t,” Taemin hisses through clenched teeth while holding his palm out to you. “Don’t call me Tae. You don’t get to call me that.”

Taemin shoves past you to grab a broom and angrily sweeps the pieces of broken glass into the pan. A reflection of his heart, Taemin blinks back his tears while you slowly approach him. You hesitate to reach a hand out to him, but at the sudden shudders of his shoulders, you place a gentle hand on the middle of his back. His muscles tense under your touch, as if to tell you to leave. Refusing to leave his side, you engulf him in an embrace. The moment your arms wrap around him, he turns towards you and sinks to the floor. Your body follows him and holds him close as he clings onto you while sobbing into your shirt.

“It’s okay,” you whisper into his hair while resting your cheek on top of his head. Though you try to be comforting, your voice quivers as you fight back the tears stinging your eyes. “We’ll get through this together.”

* * *

The awkward silence tightens its grip around your neck. Each breath you take feels amplified in the silence.

“You can breathe,” Taemin says with a slight chuckle, his fingers playing with a loose string on his shirt.

“I am breathing.”

“You always hold your breath when you feel like people can hear you breathe.”

“Huh,” you say while exhaling deeply. “I never noticed.”

“I always noticed.”

Taemin diverts his attention to you and gives you a weak smile before focusing on the wall in front of you. You stretch your legs in front of you and allow the silence to still your nerves. Out of sync but meshing together, your breaths complement one another.

“Did you stop loving me?” Taemin asks. Looking at him, he keeps his eyes focused on the wall.

“I never stopped loving you.”

“Then why did you leave me?” You remain silent, hanging your head in guilt as Taemin speaks again with a quivering voice. “___, please say something.”

* * *

_**2 Months Earlier** _

_The TV provides the only light source in the house as you sit on the couch, staring into the screen while you click through the channels. Every now and then your eyes drift towards the clock and watch the hours pass. Each new hour brings out a sigh of frustration._

_You pick up your phone and hover your finger over Taemin’s name. You chew on your lip while contemplating if you should call again and risk getting met with his voicemail. The hesitation sets in as you opt to scroll through your Instagram feed. You mindlessly scroll through photos and videos of family and friends, it isn’t until the explore page when you furrow your brows and sit straighter._

_Photos of Taemin with Naeun at her celebrity-filled birthday party invade the page. Your heart pounds in your chest as you quickly scroll through the posts. A voice in your head repeats a number over and over, the number of times he’s placed you last on his list of priorities. The same voice reminds you that you’ll never be first, he’ll never keep his promise of showing you to the world, you’ll never be his priority - it was work, fans, and then you. You would always be last._

_Your throat burns as you hold back from sobbing. Pushing your shame to the side, you call Taemin and wait through each ring, each more antagonizing than the last._

_“Hello?” Taemin answers loudly while music blasts in the background. “___?”_

_“Where are you?” You ask, acting as if you were clueless._

_There’s a pause and you can hear the music fade until it’s nonexistent._

_“Taemin,” you begin before he has a chance to answer. “You were supposed to meet me tonight at my friend’s dinner. Remember?”_

_You hear him curse under his breath and you can imagine him angrily running his hand through his hands like he always does when he’s frustrated. You stand to your feet and pace the room, waiting for him to say anything._

_“Shit, I forgot.”_

_“That’s all you can say?”_

_“What else do you want me to say, ___?” He asks in an irritated tone._

_“What about ‘I’m sorry’? Taemin, you made a promise to me you would be there. This was supposed to be the first step to announcing our relationship.”_

_There’s a silence that’s shattered with a huff from his end. Your face burns at the thought of him being frustrated over a promise he didn’t keep._

_“Don’t you think I know that?” He harshly says with clenched teeth. “I got tied up with work stuff. I couldn’t necessarily say I couldn’t come and look like the asshole in front of my peers.”_

_“Oh, that’s bullshit,” you spat while your grip on your phone gets tighter. “You make time for everything else. We cut our time together short so you can practice, write songs, and whatever it is you do. When it comes to me, you have no problem making cutting things short or saying you can’t do something and I don’t argue. But when it comes to work and your peers, you can’t cut things short or say no, even when you overwork yourself. It’s not fair, Taemin. I don’t want to be your secret anymore, I don’t want to be last in your life anymore.”_

_“___,” he sighs before an inaudible voice steals his attention away. He converses back and forth with it before returning to you. “Can we talk when I get home?”_

_“Goodnight, Taemin.” You sigh before hanging up._

_You allow yourself permission to let the tears that have been welling in your eyes to fall. Three years - three years of being his girlfriend and secret. And for the past year, he’s promised multiple times to announce your relationship to the world, and each promise ended up broken resulting in arguments full of yelling and tears. This see-saw of emotions has drained you of the enthusiasm you once had for life and him. Now, you find yourself tiptoeing around him to not set him off and pushing your health to the side for his. But this time, you would put yourself first._

_With your suitcase waiting for you by the front door, you placed a tear-stained letter on the kitchen table, its contents highlighting the end of the relationship and well wishes. When he returns in the wee hours of the morning, you will be gone, ready to free yourself from suffocation and disappointment._

* * *

The memory brings tears to your eyes. Quickly wiping them away you take a deep breath and turn towards Taemin who leans back slightly when he sees your glossy eyes.

“I was always last in your life,” you say while looking upward to keep from crying. “I wanted nothing but to be your girl, to be yours. I knew it would come at a cost, but I never expected it to be that painful. When we were friends, you were always there, but when we were together, you were nowhere to be found. I wanted to share you with the world, but even after three years, you didn’t want to share me. I…I had to break up with you to save myself.”

Taemin remains quiet and watches you blink away your tears. Your sadness feels like a punch in the gut. Knowing he’s caused you heartache at the expense of his work brings tears to his eyes. He opens his mouth to say something but closes it when you speak up again.

“But I wasn’t healthy for you either.”

“That’s not true,” he protests.

“You don’t have to lie, Taemin.” You look over to the boy whose face relaxes. “You can say it.”

He pauses for a moment and deeply sighs. “My career is all I’ve known and it’s a part of me. If I were to be without it, I would feel empty. But I also wanted you. When I saw you begin to distance yourself from me, I just dedicated myself to my craft.”

“I distanced myself because you were getting so wrapped up work to the point that I felt unwanted.”

Taemin slowly stretches out his fingers until they lightly lay on top of yours. “I’m so sorry I made you feel like that.”

You glance down at his fingers before looking at his face. A weak smile appears on your face as you gently squeeze his fingers. “I’m sorry for not being more understanding and leaving like that.”

Resting your head on the wall, you and Taemin exchange a brief smile. Your heart controls your actions like a puppet as you move closer to his body and wrap your arms around him. His arms slowly snake around your waist, giving it a gentle squeeze while placing a soft kiss on your shoulder. His touch makes you lean into him more to fill the void that’s been slowly consuming you.

“You haven’t been eating,” you whisper as you allow yourself to rest your head on his shoulder. “You’ve been living off of alcohol, haven’t you?”

“How do you know?”

“Taemin,” you say and pull away enough to see his face. “I’ve known you for how long? I think I know when something isn’t right.”

Taemin shamefully nods while his hands grip your shirt where your waist is, refusing to let you slip through his fingers. The coolness of your fingertips lifting his chin up sends chills down his spine. His eyes gaze into your warm eyes that invite him to shed all the shame.

“How about I go grocery shopping and then I can make us something to eat.”

Your suggestion brings a bright smile to his face as he eagerly nods. You can’t help but chuckle at his childlike behavior.

“Well, go clean yourself up and I’ll be back soon.”

Standing first, Taemin grabs your hands to help you to your feet. Inches away from each other, your heart pounds like it did when you had your first kiss. Nothing you say could drag your gaze away from his. Both of you lean forward, brazing yourselves to pressing your lips together - your hands grab onto his shirt to keep yourself steady while his hands rest on your hips. Squeezing your eyes shut, you place your forehead on his and slowly pull away. The sadness in both of your eyes makes it known that everything is moving too fast.

“I’ll be out before you’re back,” Taemin softly smiles before brushing past you and entering the bathroom.

Returning to the living area, you grab your jacket and place it over your body. Upon placing your phone in its pocket, a folded piece of paper brushes against fingers. Your eyebrows furrow as you bring it out to your view and slowly unfold it.

“‘Let’s not make this a one-time thing. Call me sometime. Xx Jongin (000) 111-2222’.” You whisper to yourself. Your eyes focus on Jongin’s name and feel yourself blush at the memory of last night’s events.

You find yourself asking if you gave Jongin a fair chance since you were using him to fill the void left by Taemin. You tightly hold your lips together and look down the hallway to the bathroom door. Now that you’ve gotten closure with Taemin, was it fair to give Jongin a call or wait to see how things pan out with Taemin? Your heart is torn at the thought. You look from the door to the paper and back to the door.

Quickly, you leave the apartment with the piece of paper held tightly in your palm, crumbling it as you stuff it back in your pocket. On the way to the store, your mind keeps flipping between the pros and cons of Taemin and Jongin. A difficult decision clouds your mind of either picking up a story where it left off or start a new story.


End file.
